Scandal!: Felt Street – Week 5 Recap

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Posted On:02.24.2020
Recap written by volunteer Christopher Allison

We open with Crossing Guard Jim working his beat when a stretch limousine drone descends onto Felt Street. Jeff Zucker-musk, a tech billionaire, has arrived and is looking to “invest” in Felt Street. Jim, always looking for a donation for his services, offers to help Jeff cross the street when he begins having a small coughing fit. 

Over at Olga’s bodega, Bubblegum (now adorned with a leather biker cap found at The Eagle) is basking in the sun. Olga is distraught over John Lewis, her pet chicken who recently committed suicide at the thought of having to be a single mother raising 11 tyrannosaurus rex/chicken hybrid children, and opens up about feeling lonely. Now on her third pet chicken, she has refused to name this one because she’s afraid she’ll lose her in another unfortunate way. Bubblegum offers to move in, to which Olga happily accepts so long as he doesn’t eat the new chicken.

Roosevelt and Refuse are chillin’ on the stoop outside their apartment when Wayne Trissel climbs out of the sewer. Refuse, having recently teamed up with Madame M. (in Mexico on a field assignment to find Crossing Guard Jim’s missing Wife) to start a detective agency, is approached in order figure out who is dating Agnes now. Not knowing that Wayne used to service Agnes’s plumbing as well as have relations with her, Refuse offers up the information before he can get hired. 

Lawyer-saurus Rex walks over to Agnes’ apartment to pick up his clutch of eggs that she’s egg-sitting. Rex, still attempting to connect with his unborn offspring, attempts once again to hold an egg in order to form a skin-to-shell bond. Tragically, Rex drops and breaks another off his children bringing his clutch count to ten.

Crossing Guard Jim is approached by Kenny who is preaching the “good” word of his new religion, Science-probably. Kenny is attempting to bring in converts in order to begin receiving tithes and eventually gain tax-exempt status. Jim sees straight through Kenny and refuses to join.

Back at Olga’s Bodega, Jeff Zucker-musk is giving an investment pitch to Olga and Refuse. Jeff is looking to buy all the businesses on Felt Street for an unspecified reason. Olga is asked how much she thinks her business is worth; it’s priceless to her since she built it herself. When offered “eleventy twelve Brazilian dollars,” Olga still refuses. Refuse states that he’ll sell the detective agency in exchange for Jeff’s soul, but Jeff reveals that he has no soul since he is a tech billionaire.

Lawyer-saurus Rex returns home with his clutch of eggs in hand. Despite still feeling the desire to live the bachelor lifestyle, he is still doing his best to be a good father. After getting settled in and sitting on his eggs, Bubblegum knocks on Rex’s door and invites him out for a night of drinking. Rex almost immediately caves and agrees to the night out.

Agnes and Roosevelt are hanging together watching the latest streaming service by Jeff Zucker-musk that only plays ads. Roosevelt has still not had any luck at finding a steady job, even at Olga’s, despite having a college degree. Agnes reveals that she used to talk with Vanderbilt and J.P. Morgan (& associates) earlier in her life and that Olga only accepts applicants who have a doctoral level of education to work for her. She then tells Roosevelt to try and get Jeff to give him a job and to use white guilt if necessary. 

Wayne Trissel, cooking a can of beans over a trash can fire, is approached by Kenny. He successfully converts Wayne, having been in several cults, to Science-probably.  

Lawyer-saurus Rex and Bubblegum are still enjoying their night out at Rex’s office when they decide to make a prank phone call to Crossing Guard Jim. After mostly berating Jim over the phone, the two panic when Jim shows up at Rex’s office knocking on the door. In his frenzied state, Rex admits to a tell-tale heart-esque crime that Bubblegum seems indifferent to. Jim eventually walks away when no one answers the door, but Jeff Zucker-musk manages to squeeze himself under it. Jeff, looking for legal representation on Felt Street, tempts Rex with a large sum of cash if he would be willing to sell out all his friends. Rex readily accepts his offer. 

Agnes and Crossing Guard Jim are in the underground fighting ring beneath Olga’s bodega getting ready for their match. Jim, having recently gotten back from a crossing guard conference in Shanghai, mentions that the prank phone call he received earlier exasperated his cough that he’s had since getting back. The fight commences and ends with Agnes as the winner. Agnes checks on Jim, feeling more symptoms, and mentions that he may have a viral infection.

Roosevelt, getting feedback on his choice of thong underwear, is hanging out with Refuse in their apartment watching the latest Havertys commercial. Refuse, lacking any active cases, is bored and still uncertain about what Jeff Zucker-musk really wants on Felt Street. Refuse then comes up with an espionage scheme to dig up dirt on Jeff while posing as interns. 

Kenny walks into Olga’s bodega and attempts to sell her Science-probably reading material. In order to convert to Science-probably, Olga must give away everything of wealth to the church. Olga, also seeing through Kenny’s latest scheme, says she’ll buy his book in exchange for his soul. 

Bubblegum is cleaning out his garbage can and talking aloud to himself when Crossing Guard Jim passes by and recognizes his voice from the prank phone call. Jim wants recompense for the call making his cough worse, but Bubblegum doesn’t care that Jim got sicker. Just then, Wayne Trissel climbs out of the sewer to mediate the two as well as convert them to Science-probably. After a charming song about how great Science-probably is, Bubblegum joins on the spot.

Roosevelt and Refuse approach Jeff Zucker-musk to get hired as interns. Jeff, caught up in his own thoughts, begins talking about how he plans on replacing Felt Street with a Dr. Seuss-esque parkour gym with the help of Lawyer-saurus Rex. Jeff offers the duo positions in exchange for helping him convince Olga and Agnes, the two holdouts, to sell their properties.

Lawyer-saurus Rex, still enjoying his debaucherous night out, suddenly remembers his eggs have been left unattended and rushes back home. Olga comes to visit the eggs, seeing them as her grandchildren. The new chicken immediately jumps into the nest and refuses to leave the eggs unattended and fulfil her desire to be a mother. Rex, forbidden from dating the new chicken, bargains with Olga to sell her shop in order to gain visitation rights with the eggs.

Agnes and Refuse are enjoying a night in together when Agnes begins coughing. She believes she picked it up from Jim and laments that her limited income prevents her from visiting a doctor in order to receive treatment for it. Refuse, concerned for Agnes, immediately reveals the plans that Jeff Zucker-musk has for Felt Street. Agnes immediately puts together a plan to take down Jeff; Refuse, being a natural carrier for diseases, is going to infect Zucker-musk with the same virus Jim passed on to Agnes.

Kenny is having a revival on the street attempting to draw in more converts. Crossing Guard Jim, being the levelheaded one of the entire group, starts to call Kenny on his charlatan ways. Out of nowhere, Jeff Zucker-musk appears from nowhere in a flash of blinding light proclaiming that the end is nigh for Felt Street thanks to the help of Lawyer-saurus Rex. In an attempt to stop Jeff, Refuse infects him with the virus. Having no soul and thus no immune system, Jeff immediately succumbs to the infection and dies on the spot. In his last breaths, Jeff says there is nothing any of them can do to stop the plan that has been set in motion. Lawyer-saurus Rex then scoops up Jeff’s body and eats him. After recovering from the shock of what just happened, everyone runs away in fear of Refuse having the virus.